This morning, I was looking at pictures and videos of my son when he was little. Now that he is 19 years old and has moved out of the house, I recognize that my perspective is slightly different. He moved into a dorm at college more than a year ago. The first ten months were challenging. I missed him so much. I cried a lot. My heart ached to have him back in the house. My heart was not only aching for him, but for that time when I was responsible for something big: a human. When he was little, I was raising him, sharing life lessons. Then in high school, I was guiding him, helping him get to adulthood. And one day, it was over. He left for college. That job was done. It's hard to know what life looks like when that job is complete.
Now that a year has distanced me from it, and I look at the photos…the documentation of that time, I see it from a new perspective.
It was a lot of effort.
You know that feeling when you get out of a tough situation that you’ve been experiencing for a while, and only when you get out of it, do you realize that it was tough? When you’re in it, it’s all you know. You’re doing what you need to do… to make it flow as best you can. Then you get through it, or over it, or out of it, and the weight is gone. You didn’t realize how heavy it was.
I fully enjoyed my time raising Adam. I wouldn’t trade it for a different experience or do it any differently. I developed a strong bond with him, and I believe it was because of the effort. The support he received from me for his activities and his interests created a deep relationship. It's amazing to think of the ways we get out of our comfort zone or do things we wouldn't necessarily prefer to do, but we do them for our children. For me, it was playing in the snow, planning birthday parties at laser tag or go cart tracks, volunteering to be a soccer coach or soccer parent representative, sitting in the ski lodge while he snowboarded with his friends, loading bikes for a ride through the metro park, helping facilitate cold, rainy track meets, watching smoky drift car races, and the endless attempts to learn about computers... and networks... and cameras... and coding... and cars.
All in the name of spending quality time with him to create a mutually beneficial relationship.
My desire to have a strong relationship with him motivated me to learn new ways of raising him. Fortunately, I learned how to be curious through divorce therapy. Adam was only three years old at the time. I used that curiosity to help us both understand ourselves better. It also caused me to be open about raising him differently than I was raised. Instead of responding instinctively to him, I wondered if there was a better way to help him with his requests and challenges. I certainly didn’t get it all right. But based on the outcome – having the bond with him that I always wanted – I must have done something right.
Looking through the photos at that wonderful, challenging time in my life, I am smiling through the tears.
I miss having him around me.
And I love that he wants to be around me.
